Would You Kiss A Girl?

"I feel much safer with girls, so I felt more comfortable kissing her in the movie than kissing any of the other people that I had to kiss."

I have seen this quote a couple times now. I don't really see what the big deal is! Girls feel comfortable with other girls, there isn't any expectation as there might be with a boy. Most girls have practiced making out with their friends. I remember a time when I had made out with far more girls than boys. Haha, now its been ages since I've kissed a girl. I used to think it was funny and playful...making out is fun after all! And with another girl, you don't have to worry about her trying to get in your pants :)

Thoughts?

The Lovely Bitches

After months of passing by this book and not paying it much attention, I finally picked up "Why Men Love Bitches." This is NEVER the sort of book I would have read in the past, but after all my recent relationship drama, I was curious to see if this book possibly had something to offer that I was somehow missing.

From the acknowledgement at the beginning, I was sucked in. In Sherry Argov's mindset, the term "bitch" did not refer to some evil encompassed woman, who treated everyone else as if they were cockroaches. But instead, she used "bitch" to denote a woman who respected herself above all else and would never compromise who she is or what she stands for to be with a man. I liked this message so far!

While the book was a incredibly repetitive, perhaps its what some women really need--to be drilled the same ideas over and over again, in order to knock them out of their stringent ways. After all, giving advice to another woman is always easier than actually following your good advice in your own everyday life. I am the sort of girl who likes to wear a tiara when I'm hanging out around the house and expects to be treated like a princess, and of course, I am fully willing to engage in acts of kindness for the guy....but I certainly would not partake in these acts of kindness if they were inequitable.

...Or would I?

A look back at the summer months will prove that I was constantly doing favors for B, and while he was very affectionate and did take care of me on several occassions, I was probably giving more than I was getting.

The book stresses that you should limit your availability to a man. You should not drop everything you are doing when he calls and invites you over or skip out on plans on the chance that he may call. You should live your life and if you are able to pencil him in from time to time, good for you! If not, don't sweat it! Women who are too available will quickly grow boring--because they don't have lives of their own! Men figure these things out and they are way more interested in a woman who has a life.

I realize that in the boredom of a summer in which most of my friends were interning or working 70+ hour weeks, B was the only one around to hang out with at times and I definitely made myself too available to him. He'd go out with friends and then call me to come over afterwards, and I rarely told him I was busy and couldn't come. I was interested in taking these belly dancing classes Thursday mornings, but each week, I was too cozy in his bed to get up and go to those classes. I went out to breakfast with him instead. These are just a few examples of how I acted like the silly girl that I typically pride myself in NOT BEING!

So now I am fully prepared for my next relationship. I am always going to be nice and polite and appreciative...but I will not make myself too available, I will demand respect and full integrity--because I don't have to be there! And I will definitely put myself first the next time, after all, boys come and go...but the relationship you have with yourself, that's the one that lasts forever.

Has anyone else read the book and have an opinion? Or simply want to vent about examples of how we don't take our own good advice? :)

50 days of summer

I saw 500 days of summer tonight with my mom. I would have loved it normally, but tonight it reminded me way too much of the situation i recently went through. except that i was the pathetic joseph gordon-levitt and the boy was summer. except that in this situation he wasn't as upfront as summer. at least SHE told him that she didn't want a relationship at the very start.

I just spluged on a bunch of itunes music....its therapeutic for some reason. I don't sing anymore....normally when i'm going through a happy period, i sing a lot...like when I'm in the car...and i haven't done that in a long time.

I got a book about his country from the library...is that pathetic? Maybe....i read the whole thing in one afternoon. I don't think i had any epiphanies though.

Sirens of Titan

"It took us that long to realize that a purpose of
human life, no matter who is controlling it, is to love
whoever is around to be loved." (Vonnegut:220)

This was my favorite line in The Sirens of Titan. I think its a nice message.

Commitment Issues

I am trying to write this screenplay for my class. I like the subject matter, characters are mildly entertaining. And yet I cannot stick to it! Every time I start working on it, my mind wanders to my newest screenplay idea and all I want to write about is that. I can't decipher which is the more sensible premise to explore. Why must I be so indecisive?! Ugh, its quite annoying really. Bassel always asks me where I want to eat and I always say "I don't care." I usually don't though. As long as it isn't seafood or Vistango, I am usually fine with whatever. I am picky, but can usually find something to eat wherever we go. I always feel that if someone else feels strongly, I'd just assume do what they want because I'm easy. I don't know if this is me not being able to make up my mind, or me just being extremely agreeable. Or maybe somewhere in the middle?

Commitment issues aren't new to me...they seem to pervade my life every which way I go. I am indecisive and am bad at communicating--usually because I can't decide what I want--which causes a lot of problems. Oh well. I've matured a little over the years, but I'm still no expert. Its so much easier to just go with the flow and evade questions...its nice that way for a while...until it isn't. I wish someone would just tell me what to do sometimes. Tell me what to do so that neither me, nor anyone else, gets hurt. But there is no such person. There is only me.

Its been a while...

Sorry its been ages since I've written...I feel like I go through periods where I have this burning desire to write several times a day and then I forget about you...and leave you hanging for weeks on end, unattended to. I'm sorry for that.

So a quick little summer update...the indie film I was helping out on finished filming. I started taking a screenwriting class--which is stressing me out a tad. Its hard to come up with one idea and stick with it. Every time I start working on it, I think of some other idea and open a word document and start working on that instead. Its quite exasperating. I can't stick to something! I'm supposedly filming a soft core porno next week...we'll see how that goes. Hanging out with a new boy I think. The bar is ridiculously slow, its painful to work these days. Umm that is about it. I will try to write again soon about something more legitimate. Okay talk later. Ciao. Gotta run off to my horribly slow job....where I'll likely make nothing in tips and simply waste my time.

Troy Camp

So I am back from Troy Camp and I feel like I have this renewed appreciation for the life I have led. The kids were fabulous and I had a ton of fun, but there were a few occurrences that just made me realize how truly fortunate I have been. I was a family member which meant that I hung out with the four cabins in my color team--G2 (third grade girls), B2 (3rd grade boys), G7 (4th grade girls), and B7 (4th grade boys). It was quite different from last year when I was a cabin counselor in that I got to meet a lot more campers.

I absolutely loved B7, the fourth grade boys. They were so cute and fun. One day DJ started telling me about his family and the conversation transitioned into this conversation about violence and scary situations he had witnessed. Other kids joined in the conversation and talked about violent situations in their own families. It was the saddest thing I had ever heard. These kids had seen so much and knew about so much for being so young. They shouldn't have to know about that sort of thing and yet they spoke of it so calmly, as if it was a natural part of life. Spearmint, Fishbag, and I were on the verge of tears the whole time. Everyone listened completely silently. All the 4th graders were so respectful as well, listening intently and even asking questions when they did not understand something. Although everyone was listening, DJ was speaking directly to me, he looked at me the whole time and it made me feel special to be the confidante to such sadness. DJ had also had kidney problems his whole life and a few months ago had 3 surgeries that cured him. He said he wanted to be a surgeon and help kids like him one day. He is just so mature for a 4th grader, he talked about really respecting his parents and all that they did for him, recognizing how hard they work to give him and his brothers a good life here. His brother got a full ride scholarship to Humbolt University, and he seems to look up to his brother so much.

Another instance of sadness occured in the G7 fourth grade girls cabin. There was a girl without an arm there. She was really quiet and it was difficult to get her to engage and participate in activities. I spent a lot of time with her because I felt it was important to make her feel comfortable and included....she always seemed to be off on her own...at the end of the line...etc. I sat by her the first couple nights at campfire. Each night she cried a little bit and I would try to distract her by asking her questions and talking to her about Twilight--she was a big fan. Anyways, one night I was sitting by G2 at campfire and I noticed that she seemed to be crying. her counselor took her off to the side and a few other counselors joined them. Later I saw her being taken down the hill in a car. It wasn't until later that I found out the severity of the situation. Stephanie, that was her name, was taken down to Dr. J and she calmed down a little. She had been sobbing uncontrollably and hyperventilating. But then she started staring into the mirror and they asked her what she was looking at. She said she was looking at a face. They asked her to describe the face and she said there was a lot of hair and an eye. She said it wasn't any of the people in the room. It sounded just like a horror movie. Dr. J insisted that they take her to a psychiatric hospital immediately. Some of the counselors had to drive her all the way back to LA, where her dad met them at the hospital. This poor girl, Dr. J says that it looks like early signs of schizophrenia or another disorder that could last her whole life. It is so scary. Her mother left her family when she was two as well. She has no arm, no mother, is painfully shy, and now a serious psychiatric disorder. It doesn't get much worse.

I know I just talked about lots of sad stuff, but there was tons of happiness too. There was this adorable little girl in G2 who just melted my heart. She moved to the US two years ago and is fluent in English, but would use the funniest phrases and mix up prepositions and stuff. It was literally the most adorable thing ever! She would say things like "take a fart", "have you touched a girl?" (in reference to wanting to give the cootie shot), etc. One of the fourth grade boys flopped on his bed and complained to me that he would just never be good with girls. Another 4th grader at lunch made me cry when he said "no offense or anything, but you know Mario Kart? Because Adrian looks exactly like Bowser." I died laughing...and started cracking up midway through the meal as well. Every time I looked at Adrian--because he really did look like Bowser!

This was a fantastic week. I feel like the kids got a ton out of it, but so did the counselors as well.