Anne Frank Influence

"I don't want to live in vain like most people. I want to be useful or bring enjoyment to all people, even those I've never met. I want to go on living even after my death!"

-Anne Frank (April 5, 1944)


I first read the Diary of Anne Frank when I was 11. This quote stuck out in particular to me and is something I have always remembered...perhaps because it was exactly the way I felt.

When we read the book in school, boys would laugh at Anne call her "dumb" and "lame." I never called them out on it, because middle school life is all about appearing "cool." But I remember thinking that I felt a sort of camaraderie with her...she was someone I desperately wished I could have met. I felt like she was the only person who ever might have gotten me. I desperately wanted to be assured that might my life was going to matter.

I suppose I still feel that way, only my interpretation of "mattering" has changed a bit. I see now that making my life matter doesn't necessarily mean everyone in the world needs to recognize my name. Helping a child learn to read or helping out a friend in a time of need--this stuff helps life matter too. Contributions don't have to change the whole world, for touching just one can leave a mark :)

Sirens of Titan

"It took us that long to realize that a purpose of
human life, no matter who is controlling it, is to love
whoever is around to be loved." (Vonnegut:220)

This was my favorite line in The Sirens of Titan. I think its a nice message.

Seriously.

I worry that people don't take me seriously. I know my close friends do, but I don't think the vast majority of people do. They see this cute girl who bounces around in dresses and doesn't seem to have a worry in her head. And I know I might perpetuate this image at times because I do like acting friendly and bubbly. But I can definitely be serious and I do have many worthwhile thoughts in my head. I am a smart girl! So many boys are interested in me. I am so worried that they only see me as this piece of ass--someone who isn't going to amount to much, but is fun to mess around with. There aren't a lot of pretty girls in film, really. I get booty calls at least 3 nights a week. I am very flattered that people find me pretty, but I really want to be seen as a serious film student at the same time.

I am too nice also. I feel like I have been such a big person about so many things lately. I suck it up and put my feelings aside for the good of other people because I am too nice of a person and too good of a friend. But that doesn't ever get me anywhere. I know I can't change. I'm never going to be a bitch. I am always going to apologize first because I don't feel staying mad is never worth it and I hate being in fights more than anything. Today I helped out a friend who was chosen as a directing finalist in tossing around some script ideas. It was a bit painful for me to discuss the scripts, as I was not one of the chosen candidates. But I want to give her the best chance possible, so when she asked me if I'd help her, of course, I said yes. I am very happy for her. But now I kind of feel sad for myself right now. Discussing the scripts, reminded me again just how much I wanted this opportunity to prove myself.

The faculty apparently sees nothing worthwhile about me. I feel like I have so much potential and no one ever notices. I am invisible. I wish I'd just blow away with the wind.

He Loves Me, He Loves Me NOT

Somehow I always seem to be the center for information and knowledge. I get the random calls and texts from my friends about our film projects....When is the directing project due? How should I format my resume? What time is the meeting? Etc. In addition to the scholarly stuff, I also seem to be a person whom people feel comfortable talking to and relaying information to. I like this role, I like helping people. Sometimes it can be troubling though. I worry that I am giving the best form of advice to people. I know that everyone is different and everyone has different needs in terms of forms of advice. I try to adapt to each friend and be what they need me to be at that particular moment. Whether its advice on something major, or a shoulder to cry on, or just someone to listen to all the thoughts roaming around in their heads.

Sometimes I have to say things that people don't want to hear. That is hard. I have this friend who has been in a troubling relationship for months upon months now. And she just will not give it up. Its the most frustrating thing in the world! I have to counsel her all the time and she still does not see what a bad situation this is. I know that breaking up is hard to do, but if things are bad for a certain amount of time, you just have to be realistic in knowing that they aren't ever going to go back to how they were. Relationships are supposed to be fun! And when they aren't, then they need to end! Relationships shouldn't be that hard!

I am listening to a friend obsess over her ex/current boyfriend (I have lost track) at this very moment. She wants me to tell her that he is still in love with her, but I don't think I can do that. I don't like insisting things that I don't know for sure are true. I don't get girls' hopes up just to make them feel better, I can reassure them that they will find love again. But I'm not going to make up stories about how their boy will definitely come crawling back to them. I am a complete realist about matters of the heart, and I don't think it helps to initiate false hopes in people. Sometimes the truth stinks. But I'd rather hear a stinky truth than a falsity.

Girls are so silly sometimes. I don't get it. For some reason, I have a feeling that my mind works different than a lot of girls my age. I react to things so much differently, I don't obsess over boys or over-analyze what to text to them. I just do it, and I feel confident in my decision without having to ask a gaggle of other girls first. Its funny, because I am so girly in some ways, and so un-girly in others!