Seriously.

I worry that people don't take me seriously. I know my close friends do, but I don't think the vast majority of people do. They see this cute girl who bounces around in dresses and doesn't seem to have a worry in her head. And I know I might perpetuate this image at times because I do like acting friendly and bubbly. But I can definitely be serious and I do have many worthwhile thoughts in my head. I am a smart girl! So many boys are interested in me. I am so worried that they only see me as this piece of ass--someone who isn't going to amount to much, but is fun to mess around with. There aren't a lot of pretty girls in film, really. I get booty calls at least 3 nights a week. I am very flattered that people find me pretty, but I really want to be seen as a serious film student at the same time.

I am too nice also. I feel like I have been such a big person about so many things lately. I suck it up and put my feelings aside for the good of other people because I am too nice of a person and too good of a friend. But that doesn't ever get me anywhere. I know I can't change. I'm never going to be a bitch. I am always going to apologize first because I don't feel staying mad is never worth it and I hate being in fights more than anything. Today I helped out a friend who was chosen as a directing finalist in tossing around some script ideas. It was a bit painful for me to discuss the scripts, as I was not one of the chosen candidates. But I want to give her the best chance possible, so when she asked me if I'd help her, of course, I said yes. I am very happy for her. But now I kind of feel sad for myself right now. Discussing the scripts, reminded me again just how much I wanted this opportunity to prove myself.

The faculty apparently sees nothing worthwhile about me. I feel like I have so much potential and no one ever notices. I am invisible. I wish I'd just blow away with the wind.